Saturday, July 16th, 2016 03:53 pm
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The world is nice. And that sometimes displeases me.
It's the kind of nice that is always painful, faint, minimal... At least for me.
I am a shell.
And yet, the world is beautiful.
I will manage to close something worthwhile in my self. Because I know I have the potential to love, and to be someone, be me, be free. The life that is passing me is not something I have gived up on.
On some level, I perfectly understand. - And imagine it brings me joy. Try so hard to feel it.
And then - I am just angry, hurt, hungry; but the world I can't reach.

Saturday, July 16th, 2016 07:30 am
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 He's taking him everywhere. As a spirit, knowledge, feeling. As a reason: to everything.

I want you to soil me. Once I come back, as nature, fresh and proud, I want you to soil me, become my anchor to the ground.
To be mine and give me everything. To underdtand, at last, to bask in me and to drag me down to where you are and soil me.

I... I love life, I think. I can't be sure, not now. But it's worth the chance. And I'll find a way to reach my conclusion.

I have feelings in silence, and only silence. In this wide world no one still present knows.

🎵The beautiful skies are not for us
not for me
not for what I've become ...

Saturday, July 16th, 2016 07:11 am
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It's easy to not to notice, it's easy to not to notice that you are in pain, in need of sleep or feeling positively or protectively gor someone. Particulatly if just last time, you didn't gave a problem with getting something stuck in your arm, pleasing yourself for some days straight or cutting people open. If holding a heated pot was okay, did not hurt at all and now the pain is immense, you will ritually hold it and carry it and not realise the wrong of it, not realise the sensation of your pain. And simlarly for someone who was never hurt by ill words or betrayal, never have fallen in love, never felt extra desire for else's body (not in that sense), never had empathy, in the event that they feel strongly about others - besides hate, jealousy - they will not necessarily notice none of their own feelings And if you do notice them  you wouldn't 

Saturday, July 16th, 2016 05:52 am
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To be perfectly honest, he was "enamored". Not in the traditional, literal sense, rather a crippled, play-pretend, objective version of it. The secondhand excitement of pillaging, control, abundance, lust, contaminating the idea of 'something unthinkable', and the direct image of his one desire. The only one and almost typical yet so different from rest of his kin. - If you can call it that.
In that way, he felt "affection", "charmed", despite the fact that he shouldn't even be able to theoretically appreciate the latter. His vision became incredibly limited and dense and all of his other concentration too. He thought it woukd go on this way, and then the person responsible for all that showed that he has the most greed of them all; ripped him apart and sent him to hell as consequence, at least it wou!d seem that way...
So it hurt him. Just a little bit, but did. Through calm reason and pride and anger, but it did. (The faint, practical, objective version.) And he was a bit startled, thrown off balance, unnaturally stilled.
In reality, he didn't intend to repeat the same mistakes. If there was one human in the world worth thought, it was not someone working with him.
He'd just set himself even harder after his goal, the so important wish - mostly evading other sensations on the way, the ones he would normally be desparate to reach. It is almost a contradiction.
Though, as you may no, plans are to be destroyed. He's grown soft and interested again. ...To greater extent, one hard to place, catch.
It was too curious that it should be him.
But he came to care about the words and body of his new "tool to elevation", and being self.

Saturday, July 16th, 2016 05:41 am
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It was a battle for life.
Thus, a friend was standing against friend, out of the desire to live.
It was inevitable.
Certainly, not a matter of morals or the world.
Just desparation.
A last resort.

Saturday, July 16th, 2016 05:26 am
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I realised it - the nasty feeling was disdain at you not caring, not about yourself, not to think of me.
I have also realised the way you didn't spare me was actually because I was the closest to you, also because you thought we understood each other, failed to see in the end neither one of us did... And that I minded.
I realised trying to get myself happy I was the most unhappy. ...In recent times, anyway.
I realised everything and all of it was pain  but also happiness. Is that how you're supposed to do it?
Feel it? Then I had the unattainable all of the time. Due to my rigidness, your change, I've wasted my chance.
Now. I can only come back and act as if nothing happened? And for a while, look after you. Just a tiny while though..!
Better be prepared. And never get blind again.
Farewell, my friend; my knowledge.

Saturday, July 16th, 2016 04:20 am
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To me, you are everything. It is a new feeling and completely stupid. Stupid, because it took me so long to realise what you are, how I act with you, the comfort of being with you, what you give me, what I observe in such moments, is already what I've always wanted. - Not exactly the same, but maybe better.
Trying to get to the goal, I kept missing the chances, and the subtle, weak and vague feeling of being happy.
Oh, and once it was too late, how well did I see everything!! It is an irony worthy of my existence; my previous existence. Now I am about to die, but all of me belongs to you. For I all of a sudden realised I want go give you the world. An undiscribably spectacular change in
And if I could, I want to take everything for you. The silly pain and worries. Lead. All of yourself. Physical injuries. A x ride...
So the only thing I can do is die for you, instead of just dying.
Finally be free. Even unable to reach you. Hopefuly in your sight but also not cause for hurt. ...Celebrate my end, as if it was a happy thing. The tefm which I don't understand I think it was.

Saturday, July 16th, 2016 03:57 am
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They say that those kind of people completely disregard others.
But that's wrong, the disregard is for rules and feelings alone -
if given a list with considerable amount of references describing you, they're the only ones that are gonna read (or anything else) through.
They regard everything, just mostly as an annoyance.
Men are to them somewhere in hate, of difference, and the kind of love called 'envy'.
They are more than anyone conscious of any human.
Though they live completely for themselves, with themselves. Separated.
Maybe because they didn't have the chance.
Continuously repeating their pattern and being shown their place and role.
Can someone break away?
Someone did. After what you could call many lives in one. And also learnef sensitivity; the new kind...
Not as before.
Always considering self. "Self". Self.
- And still the only one with eyes on alert.

Saturday, July 16th, 2016 03:18 am
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You are the sum of your body, memories and character. Once one severed, you cease to exist. Do you die? What does dying mean??
In any case, you are not you. You are not. Someone new exists, who might be very well like you; but never truly is.
If you, as a concept are born again - it is only with basic standards in personality, possibly quite the same body. But you not only know different things, you act different, think different... And thus the world would account for that. Hope that given a direction, you will do something that fits it. Because really, has the world forgotten you? Of course not.
Somewhere, deep inside its core, you are woven. And the conflict of separate yous hurts such world, of course.
Sooner or later, almost as bad math.
The people who loved you. (For if you are a person, love is most important - the easiest way to survive and to forget the limit of that.) This is their end. Because you, as a concept, are betraying them.
A lie. ...Lost ground. It doesn't mean anything though! Not to you. No pain or happiness, only hunger and eyes.
If you are such that these are impossible; what does? Body too knew, the devision uncircumstancial - the definition is so few. Only an existence... A 'birth', that is what you are: the beautiful act of a new beginning, new force and not a person. Not the one that had reason, place and name. Simply an annomaly, that is not happy or bad luck. A concept not reborn, a concept to raise.
Without the force of the past.
You just are - everybody just is. Isn't that the hideous truth?

Friday, July 15th, 2016 11:30 pm
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Madness, clear madness. Because for so long wanting a single thing - the one truth in life, and that was inevitable; besides "nothing", the end of everything...
Your heart doesn't hurt and your reason doesn't tell you to think, it's just a change.
And change you do.
Not caring anymore. Brutally compensating for yout static lost, you can't keep playing with everyone.
iIt takes but a second: you are, and then you are somewhere else. You do!
Only anger and fear is intensified. Friendship and spirit lost.
Then a wall. Or maybe a call back.
How does it all make sense?
Time, being, nature, affection, sensation, life.
Good bye.
- I'm back. Having a laugh.
Even if... It was the opposite. I need to have you pull through and let's forget whst will be aftetwards.

Friday, July 15th, 2016 11:23 pm
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Hate and love usually meet each other. - No matter how you love, you'll find the parts to hate; and even what or who you hate, you can't bring yourself to crush, roll over it.

He wanted everyone to be happy, even after him, is that weird to say?
But yes, he forgot who everyone was. That it meant everyone, not the weak, helpless, pained, passionate, connected, kind, nice, strangers...
So naturally, he didn't suceed, before he even started. - Couldn't get his wish granted. Resource his power.
Because he ignored one person almost completely, one other person besides himself.
No, in this sense, he at least somehow, quite a bit, actually acommodated himself and acted all upon his feelings; but so easily spoke anything, intended anything with a single part of the whole that could be called "everybody"!
That would act up.
Break his hope of happy everybody as it was an illusion... It could have been blamed on him.
Yet even then - he forgot.
Still couldn't see the hurt and want of an individual, so he failed more and more.
Lower and lower.
He won: and then realised it was unfair, blindness of love. With his own wish.
Another one (maybe).
Except, the problematic element was gone. The problematic element was gone. His grestest desire was smashed to nothingness. ...Everything made sense and ended well, for his truth that was gone; he couldn't see.
Such a thing.
He himself was still there.

Why did the girl eat the soap: it sounded tasty

I want to usurp my guru. Is that growth? Is that life?
I've always thought power, trends, people go beyond me... But now I think maybe marking your territory and perfection is the same. - Ambition. Desire. Disregard.
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